you might be an ijc if...

in the spirit of the "are you a hipster?" test yesterday on gawker, i devised something similar for the murray hill set that should definitively determine whether a girl is an ijc.

Give yourself one point for each question you answer yes:
1. Your last name ends in "thal", "stein", "berg" or "man"
2. You live or have lived in the Windsor Court, the Biltmore or Normandy Court
3. You read a magazine while "working out"
4. You don't have a metrocard in your wallet
5. Your credit card bill goes to your parents
6. You grew up in Roslyn, Merrick, Potomac, Manalapan or Cherry Hill
7. You regularly dine at Houstons, Josies or Penelope
8. You are less than 5 feet 4 inches tall
9. Your list of favorite books includes something by Plum Sykes or Lauren Weisberger
10. You went to UPenn, Syracuse, Indiana, Emory, Wisconsin, American or Arizona
11.  Your Thursday night usually includes a stop at Red Sky, PS 450 or Pizza 33
12. You will be in South Florida some time during the Christmas holiday
13. You think Aaron Karo is funny
14. You go to tasti-d-lite and ask for "the usual"
15. You think Bloomingdales is the Wal-Mart of NYC
17. You know someone who has met their boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse on Jdate
18. You are or have been on Jdate
19. You have purchased a pair of moccasins within the last year
20. You were in SDT in college
21. You have been to the Matzoh Ball hoping to meet a "nice jewish guy"

Subtract one point for each question you answer yes:
1. You played a sport in high school
2. You went to an Ivy League school (UPenn and Cornell do not count)
3. You know how to drive a stick
4. You are from a "red state"
5. You are taller than 5-9
6. You have a Subway Sandwich Card in your wallet
7. You have a subscription to the Economist

Results key:
0 - 4 points
you are a normal girl. at one point you probably lived in queens or Hoboken before you "made it" and moved to new york city. you get $300 haircuts, but still can't afford to shop at Marc Jacobs. you love reality TV. i might actually considering dating you...provided of course that you are tall and blond and hot.

5 - 8 points
you are a typical new york girl. it is what it is. you are mean to taxi drivers. you wear ridiculously large sunglasses, even in the winter. you go to the gym try to stay in shape because you are worried about getting a good man. you get $300 haircuts and have bought clothes at Marc Jacobs. you're thinking about going to Cabo with your girlfriends this year, but you're all just so busy. you and i probably wouldn't like each other but i'm still attracted to you.

9 - 12 points
borderline ijc. you probably used to live in murray hill, but you moved...to Grammercy. there's still time to save yourself if you act fast. immediately cancel your subscription to US Weekly, quit your corporate PR job and lose a few lbs. i might be attracted to you if you weren't sporting that muffin.

12+ points
you're and ijc and proud of it.  there's no hope for you. i totally saw you sitting in your range rover parked outside of bar 515. you met your boyfriend Brian on Jdate and as soon as he's done at Brooklyn Law the two of you are going to get married and move to Westchester. then you can have dorky unathletic ijc children that will be doomed to live the same boring life as you have.

Comments

[Kiki]

How about a -1? Does that work adversely against me? It was that damn Subway card that made the difference from a 0.

By the way, I'll be in the city this weekend.

[A non-interchangeable, albeit 'jappy,' chick.]

Don't discredit the quality of a UPenn education just because it is infested with loathsome jappy girls. I'm offended by nothing on your site but your quickness to dismiss the # 4 school in the country as if it were 4 romping years in summer camp.

[WestCoastJohnny]

Dear IJC-

I just took the plunge and asked a girl out that I have been eyeing since she first entered my surf shop a few weeks ago. She is very different from my typical blond hair, blue eyed Cali girl - her brown hair/brown eyes are exotic in these parts. While she lives near the beach and talks as if she knows what surfing is all about, she has many of the characteristics you innumerate above (last name is a -man, grew up on the "Island"??, went to one of your non-Ivy Ivies, etc.) - Should I turn and run now? Can an IJC ever be de-IJC'd? Do I need to dangle some frozen yogurt in front of her and see her reaction? Or should I stick to my tanned/toned/IJCless wheelhouse?

Please advise.

Smitten By a Kitten (aka. WestCoastJohnny)

[industrywhore]

i'm so proud to be jewish AND a negative two. i'm a credit to my tribe.

[Proud IJC]

Top 5 Signs You're A TJMB (Typical Jewish Mama's Boy)

1. You actually think you're going to marry a goddess that worships you instead of an IJC.

2. Your grandmother lives in Boca, Delray or Fort Lauderdale and your parents used to take you there for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Passover/Easter vacation.

3. You were on the tennis team, ski team or swim team in high school.

4. You participated in your first circle jerk right before Saturday morning services at Camp Laconda, Kinder-Ring, Baco or Westmont.

5. Your wardrobe consists of Polo, J.Crew, Banana Republic and the Gap...all of which your mom bought you at Woodbury Commons.

[A girl]

Dear IJC,

That list is actually pretty funny. I only get a 2. I get the feeling YOU went to Penn, though.

I think you would find more of the non-superficial girls you supposedly seek if you weren't such a hostile, ignorant jerk. What I mean is, I know plenty of guys who would rather date thin girls than fat girls, but they also realize that a) this is superficial, by their own admission; b) there is always the chance they might fall in love w/someone a few pounds overweight, although this is not their preference and it's unlikely; c) they are not perfect themselves, d) it is harder for some people to control their weight than others, so even if they won't date fat girls, nor do they go around blaming them and telling them to skip their ice cream, and e) they don't have a sense of entitlement about getting a tall, hot blonde girl, then complain that they are dateless and blame it on the girls, telling girls how they should look and act.

If you ever find a girl who is all the things you seek, she is going to reject you because she will soon enough figure out how superficial and just not-plain-nice YOU are. A girl who is great can pick and choose, and she's not going to choose you over a guy who is fair-minded, smart, and not so goddamn hostile.

By the way, I don't even know most of those places you mentioned; the fact that you know them means you are an IJC male.

[Found]

'A girl' is right. WE all have our preferences here and there, but in the end, we also know it's best to be open minded, and nor do all of us blame people for not being as good looking as we want them to be. I think you are a lonely guy, IJC, and all the time it takes you to write these posts shoudl be spent in therapy trying to humanize yourself.

I've met guys like you, who have become so cold and hardened, and it is impossible to become attracted to you no matter how you look. I can't imagine any normal, well-adjusted guy sitting in front of his computer all night writing these types of things.

Think back to how you were before you came to New York, before you started dating, and how you felt about girls then. You may have been hurt more, you may have been naive, but I'll bet you were a much better person.

And as everyone is telling you, if the girls in your small enclave of New York are Jappy, walk four blocks away!!! Jeezus Christ, do you have a negative IQ!?!?

I know plenty of people in fulfilling relationships. They dated people a few miles away, not only in their own religion. Wow, big concept.

[HandsomeTommy]

I'm so f'ing handsome. Let's talk about that for awhile. I reject fat women because I can. The total package is here. Get in line to get down to TommyTown.

[Gee]

gee, tommy, you sound pretty desperate to me.

[HandsomeTommy]

Gee, I forgive you because you're fat. Don't hate the player...

[We]

Tommy, I don't hate you because you're bald and short. That would be superficial!

[King Jaffe Joho]

Dear Sir,

I'd like to officially make a recommendation that would make your site international. Please include McGill in your lists of schools. I know no "ijc's" according to your categories, but swapping "the island" for Thorn Hill (Toronto), or White Pine for Baco, we come to the exact same conclusion. Think about it, it's really unfair to exclude IJC's from being fairly chracterized as one just because they live north of the border.

Thank you for your time.

[alaina]

Murray Hill, Jewish, -1. Though both Arizona and 5'4 nearly got me. Do collegiate sports count for extra points off?

[Fragle21]

I think collegiate sports should count, for additional points off. However, if the "sports" are: field hockey, tennis, volleyball or swimming, then you can add on a couple of dozen.

[Ugh]

Why do people get points off for playing a sport? All Jewish girls learned to play tennis with daddy and mum and tried out in order to fill their transcript.

[Sigh]

ijc has apparently never been in love. when you fall in love, you realize that you find this person amazing and kind and wonderful, and you forget all your little rules. He's not the kind of guy most women could fall in love with, and nor will they even warm up enough to have sex with him.

[Jen]

I took the quiz and apparently, Went to UMass, grandparents moved back to NYC so I no longer go to Florida, my parents do not pay my bills though they do help with rent, not an Aaron Karo fan (but love that you mentioned him, is he your competition), did not grow up in any of the above towns, graduated college with honors, have a masters degree, favorite book is The Alchemist, loathe Tasti-D-Lite, can drive stick.....OK I guess I am boderline.

Either way, clever.

Did anyone happen to watch "Daddy's Spoiled Little Girl" on WE channel? I wrote about it on www.jenniferlynn776.blogspot.com

[nonsnob]

i notice that you say someone w/a low score might have lived in hoboken, as if it's not possible for someone decent to STILL make the wise and economical choice to live in a cleaner, safer town than NYC and still commute there.

you don't realize what a snob you are. but that's ok, keeps us jerseyans' rent low!

[ijc]

nonsnob, no self-respecting ijc would ever live in hoboken. way to miss the point you idiot.

[Jewish J]

To the offended parties posting here:

Do not hate IJC because you scored over 12 on this quiz...this site is funny because it's ridiculously true...

[White Dade]

For the record, you would be hard pressed to find any IJC's visiting Miami over Christmas unless you are in Aventura or South Beach. As a matter of fact, you should give a -1 to any girl who spends a night in Dade County west of I-95.

[penn #4?]

oh please, those ratings are bogus. anyone who went there knows it's not that good.

[Penn girl who doesn't live in Cobble Hill]

Regarding Penn, if a school is hard to get into - which Penn is these days - it stands to reason that only bright people can be admitted. Well, except for legacies, jocks, etc., but there still have to be some smart people there. Whether they turn into total IJC's after they get in is another story.

You know, might as well make it more specific. How about...if you went to Penn and lived in the Quad freshman year?

[Stop dating then!]

"nonsnob, no self-respecting ijc would ever live in hoboken. way to miss the point you idiot."

Way to miss your OWN point, you fool....she meant that for people scoring a LOW score. You say they "might" have once lived in Jersey. How about a non-snob who still lives in Jersey? My point is, those folks aren't even on your radar. Ergo, you are a snob, too. You'd never date a girl who still lives in, for example, Jersey City. I wonder what number you score on your own list?

[ijc]

the person who published under the name "stop dating then" has commented 20+ times in the last three months, but supposedly i'm the one who has problems...