why you shouldn't date an ijc

the first installment in a continuing series

Example 1:
every once in awhile i cast aside my better judgement and decide to be set up on a date with an IJC. maybe it's some deep-rooted psychological need to please mom, but more likely it's just because i haven't had any action in awhile. either way, it usually turns out to be a boring night. in this instance the night was over before it even got started.

i don't remember if this particular girl's generic IJC name was jaime or stacy or jamie or staci and frankly, who cares. this description is wholly unnecessary because after all, all IJC's are the same, but jaime/stacy/staci/jamie had grown up in a suburb of philadelphia, gone to one of the big ten schools, worked in pr for a makeup company, had brown curly hair and was 5'2" even though she claimed to be 5'5". i was already 2 beers deep when she showed up 15 minutes late. she was wearing a $150 white tank top with some "retro" design on it that i had seen paris hilton wearing in a photo on page six about 3 weeks earlier.

after ording drinks (me: more beer, her: wine) and the requisite bullshit, she let me know that i had passed her tests. graciously elaborating she informed me that in order to see if a boy is dateable the first thing every girl looks at are his shoes (to make sure they are "cool"), his jeans (to make sure they are not from the gap) and his watch (to make sure it is expensive). now, i'm as superficial as every other guy, but this was a bit much even for me. i wasn't sure if i should tell her that i was willing to overlook her small breasts because of the fact that she had a vagina, or if i should point out that i wasn't even wearing a watch.

after hearing one story about her "crazy" weekend in the hamptons and another about how she had wanted to hook up with her friend's dad at the last wedding she attended, i decided it was time to go. being drunk and horny i decided that even though i hated this girl, i still wanted to see her naked, so i walked her home.

outside her building, when i went to kiss her, she turned her head to the side, said "not yet" and pointed to her cheek. was she joking? who does this? not knowing if this meant i should punch her in that spot on her cheek or kiss her there, i unfortuntely opted for the latter. i said goodbye and walked home $40 lighter in the wallet and reminding myself that i should have know better.

Comments

[kurt valdheim]

40 bucks? No wonder you didn't score, you cheap bastard.

[StephanieKlein]

The "shoes first" bit is as cliche as complaining that he leaves the seat up. It's a non-issue; and any woman who complains of either should be left to drink her wine and stare at her own expensive watch.

[tryst]

Dude, if you couldn't tell within the first 5 minutes that this chick wasnt putting out, its your fault!

[yawn]

so none of this superficiality came out in the emails you two exchanged beforehand?

i find that hard to believe.

sounds like your fault. you went for her based on looks.

yes, get wiser. find a girl you have things in common with before meeting her.